I’m kind of a
bad scary unreliable driver.
Is it because I’m kind of Asian?
Is it because I’m kind of a woman?
Hey, woa, calm down. Settle down. I like to blame it on my terrible depth perception and the MBTA and too much time in The Walking City. Drew says I am just easily bored and generally apathetic when it comes to others’ safety.
Agreeing to disagree, I nevertheless often find myself in the passenger seat. The other night, we were cruising along 93 with the windows down, listening to some Brandi Carlile and I was feeling a little sleepy, a little hungry and a little worrisome. We’ve had to make some life adjustments recently, some leaps of faith and it had me feeling panicky and impatient.
Oh, for a crystal ball or a Grandmother Willow to whisper hints about my future. Did I make the right choice? Am I doing ok? And as good old Brandi wailed on about lost love and childhood homes, I thought of that E.L.Doctorow quote:
You can only see as far as the headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.
And I thought about these past few years and the ways this wise and mysterious God has led me. And this is how he does it: headlights. I never seem to have more than a three to six month glimpse at what will be next, what I should be doing, where I should be going. It seems with every change of season, I find myself facedown again, asking for wisdom and direction. And I looked over at Drew in the driver seat, with his new job and clear direction and perfect driving record, humming along without a care in the world. God seems to show Drew large stretches of his path at a time. He has seen his destination for a while now and has worked steadily towards it.
Must be nice.
But then I thought about his heart. Drew is my opposite, in life and in driving: he is steadfast and obedient and disciplined while I am…well…myself. But Drew would be that way whether he could see his whole trip or just headlights. He would carry on the same because he is awesome like that. But I’m not awesome like that. And maybe a Good Shepherd keeps my wild future a secret to keep my wild heart close to His. He forces my need, forces my seeking, forces my facedown surrender, in compassionate knowledge that without these 3 month check-ins, I’d simply wander off.
So God feeds me in months and I realize the wisdom and mercy in that. It keeps me close, it keeps me faithful.
I’m a person who tries not to need and is prone to wander. And like those all-too-similar Israelites, who turned their backs at a moments notice, He leads me- cloud by day, fire by night – and thats all I get.
And I am becoming more and more okay with that. Even if I have to make the whole trip that way.
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