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walking on water.

Commuting into the city is not my favorite part of the day. Sometimes in the morning (which is my turn to drive), Drew will request that we listen to worship music and then recline his seat and promptly fall asleep.

Welp, thanks for the company.

On Wednesday, he did just that and drifted off to a song by Hillsong United called “Oceans”, all about having faith and trusting God, using the metaphor of walking on water. And there’s a part of me that just wants to scream when I hear songs like this. Because walking on water is not so simple. Because Peter had the literal Jesus standing in front of him when he walked on water – how much faith did that really take? The rest of us are stuck here on earth with the Holy Spirit to guide us.

A spirit guide.

And I try to do the right thing, to pray for guidance and to seek wise counsel and to be aware of “open doors”, but am I the only one who sometimes feels like it’s just a crapshoot? Am I the only one who spirals out, worrying about all of the things that could go wrong if I take a leap of faith and it’s the wrong one? What if I make a decision and it haunts me forever ? If I think I see Jesus, jump out of my boat and realize, as I sputter and drown, that it was in fact a manatee or a buoy or just a stupid paddle boarder?

Because walking on water just seems a little stupid when you’re following a spirit guide, right?

And because Drew fell asleep listening to Oceans and because I was too focused on driving to switch to the next song, it played over and over throughout the commute. And the rest of the day, all I could hear was this:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without border

Let me walk upon the water, wherever you would call me. 

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior. 

And maybe it’s the worry that makes us drown, not the drowning that makes us worry. Maybe Peter got out of the boat to walk to Jesus not because he was faithful and not because he was certain but simply because he wanted to be in the place where Jesus was. And Jesus happened to be in the middle of the freaking ocean.

If  I could just shut up about my what ifs and my formulas and my worries, if I could just get over myself for 5 seconds, I think I would realize (and I always come to this realization in the end): Jesus doesn’t live in my consequences or my regrets. He is outside of my petty timeline and 5 year plan. He calls himself “I AM”, not “I WAS” or “I WILL BE”….He is in the NOW and I think He is most pleased when I get over myself and simply join him there. Not because I have done my due calculations and I am certain. Not because I am sure He is not a manatee. Not because I’m such an amazing woman of faith.

But just because I want to be where He is.

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