Drew pooped his pants at school when he was 8. It is one of the best stories I have ever heard and I make him tell it all the time. The Poop Story is one of the most frequently and shamelessly used tools in our conversational arsenal as a couple.
Double date need an icebreaker?
The Poop Story.
Party getting boring?
The Poop Story.
New friendship needing a test as to whether it’s worth our time?
THE POOP STORY.
(Is that weird? Are you curious now? Do you want to befriend me just so you can hear it? SEE- IT’S MAGIC.)
The Poop Story has never failed us, and there are times when I feel guilty that I don’t have a poop story of my own. Like I’m really not really pulling my weight in this marriage. After all, the best story I have is The Mermaid Story and it isn’t even really my story. It belongs to my brother and Tara Lipinski, God bless her heart.
…Sometimes I start to write a blog post and then I get distracted and forget about it. I found the above paragraphs, written over a year ago, filed in my ‘drafts’ folder under the cryptic label ‘mumford’.
Where was I going with that story and how was I going to bring it back to Mumford???
Maybe I wrote it on a Vicodin bender after my wisdom teeth removal?
I haven’t the slightest idea.
But, after I read it, I couldn’t bring myself to leave it behind, so instead I used it to wickedly lure you in to this blog- and you fell for it because everybody (whether secretly or boldly) loves bathroom humor. So let’s pretend I made a really witty and agile segue from that tidbit into what I am about to say:
Readers, I need your help:
I am working on a comeback. I need it to be big. Like, Britney big.
I know I’ve said it before, but I’m getting back on that wiley old horse named Authorship. It feels like the horse is oh, about 5 stories tall and I need to construct scaffolding just to get back in the saddle. But, I really want to do it and you can help me. (Please, help me.)
My first step is revamping my dusty old book proposal from 2 years ago. Social media has come a long way, even in two short years and I’d like to include some stats. Of course, my stats are currently less-than-impressive. The kids I used to nanny have more Twitter followers than I do and as you can see in the bottom right hand side of this screen, only 60ish of you actually follow me here. Can we try and change that? It’s relatively easy to follow me here (Mom, just put on your reading glasses and click “Join this site”) and my handle on Twitter is MaJeCla (I was starting to get a lot of creepy werewolf-fanatic type queries, so had to change things up. Thanks, Twilight.)
As a warning, I will be making a similar plea at the end of every post from here on out. That might get annoying, but since I gave you fair warning, you need to be okay with it when the time comes.
Whew. Glad that part is over. It’s weird to promote yourself, isn’t it?
(Not as weird as blogging about poop).
For my part, I vow to make it more worth your while than it has been in the past.
I promise to post more than once a trimester (why do I still divide my years into trimesters?)
I promise to study my worn copy of Bossypants and try to be funnier.
I promise to use my brand new Smartphone to tweet like a maniac.
What else do you people want from me? I really want to know! Comment away.
(Or, if you wanted to share your own poop story in the comments section, that would also be appropriate and welcome.)
Thanks in advance.